


Three kinks that didn't quite work out and one that did

by Anonymous



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bruce and Tony have very short attention spans, Consensual, Crack, Desperation, Engineering, Epic Fail, Humour, Kink Exploration, M/M, Nanobot teleporters, Roleplay, Roleplay of a dubious consent situation, Roleplay of a non-consensual situation, Super-Genius Super-Heroes, Watersports, non-con fantasy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-30
Updated: 2014-11-11
Packaged: 2018-01-17 12:52:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1388356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bruce and Tony try a lot of kinks. Most of them don't quite work out as intended. Then again, they have a lot of fun and revolutionise a few areas of science in the process, so no big deal, right?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Domineering boss/meek underling roleplay

**Author's Note:**

> Fill for [this prompt](http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/18271.html?thread=43089247#t43089247) on avengerkink:
> 
> __  
> After they've been in a relationship a little while, Bruce reveals he's always been interested in trying various kinky things but never had a partner interested and never wanted to really ask for it. Tony reveals that though he's slept with his fair share of people, he's never been in a long term relationship where he trusted the other person to do anything like that, but he's always been curious too (maybe if Tony used to be with Pepper, she wasn't into it, or maybe Tony and Pepper were just friends).
> 
> _So together they decide to try lots of new things, and it's playful and fun for them both._
> 
> _Bonus: they don't like all the things they try - not looking for traumatic experiences, just the realism that once in a while something sounds really good but then feels just meh_
> 
> _Bonus: In terms of dominance/submission play, both Bruce and Tony are switches_  
> 

This chapter also inspired by [this prompt](http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/9218.html?thread=20408322#t20408322): _Bruce finds it unexpectedly hot when Tony is in bossy, competent CEO mode. So they work it into their sex life, with Tony playing up the the arrogant, domineering boss role and Bruce as his meek little researcher who's willing to do anything the boss orders. Bruce especially loves it if Tony is rough with him and slaps him around a little while they fuck in Tony's big sleek business office._

***

 

"Hey Bruce, are you okay?" Tony asked, stepping into Bruce's lab after his meeting.

 

"Yeah, why?" Bruce asked, smiling at Tony.

 

"You just seemed upset earlier. At the meeting. You left."

 

"Oh, it was nothing," Bruce attempted to brush it off, but there was something off about the way he said it.

 

"Okay," Tony said. "But, uh, if you _were_ upset about me yelling at those guys at the meeting, I'd understand, you know. That's something I can work on fixing. I mean, if it upset you."

 

Bruce laughed. "That's not it. I don't enjoy wading through awfully written code any more than you do. I promise that's not it."

 

"But you _were_ upset," Tony pressed.

 

"No, I wasn't," Bruce said.

 

"Then why'd you leave in such a hurry?"

 

"I may have enjoyed watching you chew them out," Bruce admitted in a small voice, looking away. "A _lot_."

 

"Oh," Tony said, still frowning. Then he understood. " _Oh!_ So you're into that, huh?"

 

"Stop laughing at me," Bruce said.

 

"I'm not laughing."

 

"Yeah, you are," Bruce insisted.

 

"I'm really not! I think it's awesome that you've got kinks I didn't know about. _But_ I have to know: are the other engineers a necessary part of this kink? Because you know I don't share."

 

"No. Cutting out the middle man would make it... better."

 

Tony hummed contemplatively. "Say, have you ever tried sexual role-play before?"

 

 

********************

 

 

"You have a safeword, Bruce?" Tony asked two weeks later, when they were working in relative silence in Tony's condensed matter lab.

 

Bruce felt a jolt of arousal run through him just from Tony's words and the anticipation they inspired. They'd spent a few days talking about it, but Bruce was still having trouble believing that his kinky fantasy was actually about to be realised.

 

"Fluctuation," Bruce said.

 

Tony nodded, blinking lazily. "Mine's homodyne."

 

Then, Tony turned so he was fully facing Bruce.

 

"Come here," Tony said. He spoke softly, but there was hard steel in his voice.

 

Bruce's cock twitched in his trousers, but he made his way over, standing just close enough that Tony could slap him if he wanted to. The thought of that did nothing to quell his arousal.

 

"Explain to me why the QEC project is a week behind schedule," Tony said.

 

They had only started the QEC project five days earlier and it was already about two weeks _ahead_ of schedule, as things tended to be when Bruce put all his focus on them. That didn't matter because Bruce instantly felt his blood rush to his groin.

 

"I'm waiting," Tony prompted. He had a bored expression on his face, but Bruce was gratified to see that his lover was more than a little hard as well. 

 

"I--" Bruce stuttered. "We had to untangle the spaghetti code in the comparison algorithms--"

 

Tony slapped him. It was a quick, deft movement, not hard, but enough to make Bruce flush with embarrassment. Paired with Tony's terrifyingly neutral expression, the careless slap brought a fluttering sensation of fear to the bottom of Bruce's stomach.

 

"Is that the best you can do?" Tony asked. "Blaming your incompetence on old SI code?"

 

"No, sir, I--"

 

"Your contribution to this company has been lacklustre at best," Tony continued, still maintaining his cold composure, not even raising his voice. "I know it. The rest of R&D knows it. The only one who doesn't know it is you. And that's why you're fired."

 

Bruce watched quietly, waiting to see where Tony was going with this game.

 

"Silver lining," Tony continued. "If you can convince me that you have something worth my while to offer, you will be rehired."

 

As he spoke, he stepped to Bruce's side and swept a glance down his back from his neck to his arse, and then back to his face.

 

Bruce tried not to squirm under Tony's hungry gaze. Though Tony did nothing to disguise what he wanted, Bruce decided to feign ignorance about what he was asking for.

 

"I can show you the results for the nanobot analysis of the Bell-basis--" Bruce stammered.

 

Tony laughed ominously, cutting off Bruce's stammering. Bruce could feel himself blushing.

 

"Oh, we're a little passed that point, don't you think?" Tony said, running his hand over Bruce's arse. "What you _can do_ is strip off these--wait a second, did you say you're doing Bell analysis from a nanobot?"

 

"Uh, yeah?" Bruce frowned, not sure where Tony was going.

 

"So you can actually realise quantum encryption with _nanobots_?" Tony turned his attention to the monitor next to Bruce and pulled up Bruce's directory, finding the relevant file surprisingly quickly given Bruce's esoteric file naming scheme.

 

Bruce mentally face-palmed when he saw Tony's eyes dancing as he flicked through the files; he knew there was no point trying to recapture the scene when Tony was this excited. He really should have known better than to throw his lover that kind of bone.

 

"Ideally, it'll be better than that," Bruce said, his cock already softening. He swiped at the monitor Tony was looking at to bring up the relevant file; Tony could get the information faster that way than by Bruce explaining it.

 

Tony's eyes lit up as they scanned the files. "You're talking biodigital cloning!"

 

"Yeah," Bruce smiled, not bothering to hide his pride at being the one of the few who could make Tony's light up like that. "Though, at the moment, it's only samples of about 1017 protons at 4K, with an accuracy of 99.997%. The accuracy alone is about eight orders of magnitude off from what we'd need for live human teleportation."

 

"But the obstruction to all of those things--quantity, accuracy, temperature, whatever--is computation, yeah?"

 

"For the most part," Bruce admitted. "I'm thinking about knocking three orders of magnitude off by switching to a superconducting circuit, but I can't get enough cooling to achieve superconduction."

 

"You know, I stumbled across something a few months ago that might help," Tony said, swiping Bruce's files to the side and pulling up his own personal directory and opening a file. He pushed the monitor to Bruce. "It didn't come into use at the time, but..."

 

Bruce browsed through the data and analysis for a crystalline allotrope of tin, which generally behaved like graphene except--

 

"You synthesised a room temperature super-conductor and you didn't announce or publish or even use it for something?" Bruce asked, eyes widening.

 

"I was distracted," Tony shrugged. "I was trying to use it for a more economical radio isotope decay cell, but it needed to operate at 40°C, so room temperature wasn't good enough; I ended up scrapping the project."

 

"You are something else," Bruce said. Then he enlarged the diagram of Tony's single-layer tin and smirked. "Though, if you added fluorine atoms in these locations, you could have raised the superconduction threshold to 60°C."

 

"Jeez," Tony said, pulling the monitor back. "How did I miss that? I must have been drunk or something."

 

"That would explain a lot."

 

Tony rolled his eyes. "So I'm guessing you'd find this useful?"

 

"For, like, everything," Bruce said, still recovering from his disbelief at Tony's antics. Seriously, how could Tony have stumbled across something like this and not even used it?

 

"Course, it still leaves you five orders of magnitude away."

 

"Yeah, a lot of the problem is calibrating the coherent noise level, but I was thinking if we add several photocurrent streams--"

 

"What if you bypass the balanced homodyne detection step altogether? You could determine the vacuum noise level by sending a pulse if you... What? Why are you smiling?"

 

"Nothing. I agree. You'd need oppositely oriented--"

 

"No," Tony insisted. "You were laughing. Why were you laughing?"

 

"You just safeworded," Bruce said.

 

Tony frowned. "Oh. Damn. I messed up, didn't I?"

 

"It's fine," Bruce laughed.

 

"No, we've been planning this for days; I don't think anyone's ever done kink negotiation more thoroughly than we did," Tony rubbed a hand over his face, covering his embarrassed smile. "I'm so sorry."

 

"It's really fine, Tony," Bruce said. "Also, I've been working on this quantum teleportation project on and off for a while, and you just gave me the biggest break-through in weeks, which, believe me, more than makes up for it."

 

"If you say so," Tony sighed.

His mood improved significantly 32 hours later, when they finally figured out how to teleport between their labs.


	2. Non-con fantasy

It took a few weeks for Tony to bring up his own fantasy. For one thing, he was still mortified about his total failure to indulge Bruce's kink. To make matters worse, he was pretty sure his fantasy was harder to pull off. More violent, certainly. More removed from reality.

 

When he did mention it, however, Bruce came around to the idea surprisingly quickly, especially considering Bruce's admission that it wasn't something he'd thought about before.

 

They took longer to settle on a safeword the second time around, dismissing "homodyne" ( _That didn't work for you last time, Tony_ ), "photocurrent" ( _It's supposed to be something you_ don't _normally say during sex_ ), and the "green"/"yellow"/"red" system ( _Sorry, but 'green' sounds like 'stop' to me... Has since, you know, the Other Guy_ ), before finally settling on "safeword".

 

They talked about drugs, restraints, and tools, as well, because it was understood that Tony was going to be resisting--the struggle was the point. Tony had okayed anything that wouldn't cause permanent damage. He would have considered "date rape" drugs fair game, but Bruce insisted that they weren't going to do anything that would leave either of them incapacitated should the Avengers be called to assemble. For the most part, however, Bruce just listened to Tony's preferences, occasionally writing things down in a notebook in some sort of logographic script Tony had yet to decrypt.

 

After that, all there was to do was wait.

 

***

 

Tony didn't remember falling asleep at his lab table, but he did remember waking up with an arm around his mouth, holding his face steady, and a hand behind his head, holding it down and stopping him from using the back of his head to hit his assailant in the face. There was enough give for Tony to move his chin up to displace the arm from his mouth, but if he did that the arm would end up around his neck in a textbook rear-naked choke. 

 

"Hey, sweetie," Bruce said sleazily.

 

"What d'you want?" Tony said, his voice muffled by Bruce's sleeve.

 

"Oh, I think you know the answer to that, don't you?"

 

"Get off me!" Tony shouted, struggling against him.

 

"Shh... It's okay," Bruce said calmly. "I'll make it good for you, I promise."

 

With that, he pulled Tony up to standing and started to try to walk him towards the cot he kept in his lab.

 

That was a mistake. Bruce had taken no more than three steps when Tony suddenly lifted his feet, effectively dropping all his weight on Bruce's arm and dragging them both to the floor, where they continued to grapple.

 

Bruce had the slight upper hand, his Brazilian jiu jitsu training, body awareness, and flexibility just edging out Tony's mixed martial arts experience and superior strength.

 

Or so he thought. What Bruce didn't notice when he pinned Tony to the table next to the fume hood with one arm trapped in a three-quarter Nelson hold was that Tony's free hand was just in range of a syringe full of teleportation nanites, which he rammed into his own thigh. Tony smiled at Bruce's confused frown, reflected in the fume hood, but he fell unconscious soon after that as per the teleportation protocols.

 

He woke up less than a second later in an SI research office right next to the Kendall-MIT subway stop in Cambridge, MA. It was SI's second most productive office (after the one in NYC), largely due to the the constant flow of talent from MIT, Harvard up the road, and BU across the river. Tony knew that Bruce would be able to trace where he'd gone by analysing the nanites, but it would take him 5-7 minutes. That was assuming he didn't write back doors into them that Tony didn't know about, but now that they've been sleeping together, Tony's pretty sure he wouldn't have.

 

Either way, Tony knew he had about seven minutes tops before Bruce showed up. Giving in was part of the fun, of course, but so was the chase. Tony got up, brushed himself off, and put on the back-up clothes he kept in the lab and picked up the phone he kept in the Kendall office in case of teleportation. He decided to make for Random Hall, or, more specifically, the lab he built in an unused steam tunnel under Random Hall, where he lost his virginity in the wilder part of his youth.

 

Once he found his tunnel, Tony waited.

 

And waited.

 

He knew Bruce would show up. Bruce could trace the gamma signature of the arc reactor, after all, Tony thought to himself when Bruce didn't show after ten minutes. Or, failing that, the nanites that were still in Tony's body.

 

Tony started to get worried when Bruce still hadn't shown up a full thirty minutes after Tony left. He held his phone up to his face, a movement that automatically called up JARVIS.

 

"JARVIS, where's Bruce?" Tony asked.

 

"Dr Banner followed you to the Kendall office twenty-three minutes ago, sir," JARVIS replied.

 

"And then?" Tony asked.

 

"Pulling up footage," JARVIS said. "Ah. He appears to have traced the arc reactor's gamma signature." 

 

"So... why isn't he here yet?"

 

"I do not have access to his tracer, but going on surveillance cameras, he appears to have gone south instead of west."

 

"South... like along Vassar? Why would he go there? There's nothing down there but warehouses and office buildings."

 

"Indeed. In particular, there are no surveillance cameras so I cannot tell you the answer to that. Unless, of course, I traced his mobile phone, which I could do if you wish."

 

Tony hesitated. They had agreed to keep phones on them in case one of them needed to safeword by text, but the act of tracing it was declared tantamount to a safeword. On the other hand, this game was getting a lot less fun. After all, the appeal of a rape fantasy was the feeling of being desired; the aggressor wandering off to chase a whim on Vassar street didn't exactly play into that.

 

"Yes, trace it," Tony said.

 

"Very well," JARVIS said. And then: "Sir, Dr Banner's mobile phone appears to be off the grid."

 

"Off the grid," Tony repeated, frowning and turning on his own gamma tracer. "Good thing he's not the only one who can trace a gamma signature."

 

***

 

Tony found Bruce in the second sub-cellar of a warehouse owned by a local pharmaceutical company, apparently trying to bypass a biometric lock. Tony watched him, trying to figure out what he was doing.

 

He realised a moment too late that attempting to watch Bruce while the latter was unaware was never going to be a fruitful endeavour. Bruce whirled around.

 

"This is a X-17 plasma bomb that can level this whole block, so--" Bruce started, holding up his phone menacingly. "Um, Tony?"

 

"Yeah," Tony said raising an eyebrow at Bruce's confused expression. "You know, I think you're worse at kink than I am. Also 'X-17 plasma bomb'? Really?"

 

"It's worked for me before," Bruce said. "Wait, but I don't understand. If you're out here," he glanced at the phone in his hand and pulled up his gamma tracer, "then who's in there with the arc reactor signature?"

 

Tony took the phone out of Bruce's hand and saw that it was indeed tracing two sources of the arc reactor signature--one where Tony was standing and the other inside the locked room.

 

"Okay, that _is_ funny," Tony said.

 

Then he looked at the lock Bruce was attempting to bypass, smirked, and held his own phone up to it. "Glenn T1X, Bruce? Don't you have an app for that?"

 

The lock clicked open.

 

***

 

[Two hours later]

 

"Mr Stark, Dr Banner, we need your report," Coulson said tiredly to Tony's back as the latter stood in front of his naked boyfriend, shielding him from view.

 

"Go away," Tony said. "We're busy."

 

"You're standing there waiting for your car."

 

" _Busily_ standing here, waiting for our car. And we just caught you a super-villain. What more do you want?"

 

"Protocol--"

 

"Screw protocol! We're tired and feeling unfulfilled right now. And Bruce is getting annoyed. Aren't you Bruce?"

 

"Um. Yes. I am very annoyed right now. This is my annoyed face." Bruce raised an eyebrow.

 

Coulson sighed. "Fine. We'll have your report in the morning."

 

"Thank you," Tony said sarcastically.

 

"But really," Clint said, appearing behind Coulson's shoulder. "What _were_ you two doing in the basement of random office building with handcuffs and a device that when active can make someone unable to move their arms and legs?"

 

Bruce and Tony glanced at each other.

 

"Would you believe BDSM game gone wrong?" Tony asked.

 

Clint flicked Coulson's arm. The latter rolled his eyes, opened his wallet, and handed Clint a ten dollar bill.

 

"Seriously?" Tony asked Clint. "You bet on us failing at kink?"

 

"Better than that," Clint shrugged, pocketing the money. "More specific. I bet that you would catch a super-villain while failing at kink. Phil here didn't think so, but what can I say? BDSM is dangerous. Last time I..."

 

Coulson glared at him.

 

"Well, let's just say Côte d'Ivoire has never seen anything like it, before or since."

 

Tony gaped at him. Then he turned to Bruce and smiled. "On the plus side, we're not the worst at kink!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the abrupt ending. My first draft to this was an 8000 word behemoth where there was a long dialogue and Bruce ended up convincing the villainess to abandon her quest for vengeance and work for Stark Industries instead. But then I realised that
> 
> A) it had strayed really far from the prompt and anyone who wanted to read that would not have clicked on a fic titled "Three Kinks that Didn't Work Out", and 
> 
> B) [CA2 SPOILERS!] my story relied on SHIELD being slightly dark in the Fourth-Amendment-and-general-civil-rights-violation way, but not the way CA2 depicted it, so that would have been weird.
> 
> So I scrapped that, and tried to go for a normal hero-beats-villain storyline, but it ended up boring unless I skipped the action. So um, sorry?


	3. Desperation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains watersports, urine, and urine in a sexual context. You have been warned. Also the failure mode in this chapter is angstier and less cracky than the other failure modes.

Tony was going to eradicate that persistent bug in his code within the next two minutes, he was certain of it. True, he had been saying the same thing for the last three hours, but back then he didn't actually understand what was going on and this time, this time he was _sure_ that he'd figured it out. All there was to do was compile and...

 

And that's when Bruce snuck up on him, placing warm, callused hands between his shoulders and the base of his neck and massaging his stiff trapezius muscles so it hurt perfectly, before leaning forward to plant a slow kiss on Tony's neck.

 

Tony moaned into Bruce's touch and turned around to catch those lips with his own.

 

"You were supposed to meet me more than an hour ago," Bruce chided.

 

"Oh f--"

 

"It's okay," Bruce said. "JARVIS offered to get you for me when you didn't show, but I know how debugging works. You'd be distracted all night wondering where the bug could be."

 

Tony responded by putting a hand on the back of Bruce's neck and pulling him in for another kiss, which caused Bruce to lean forward, pressing Tony against the desk and reminding him how full his bladder was.

 

"Bruce I--" Tony started, intending intending to beg off to take a quick leak, until he noticed Bruce smiling at him with one infuriating eyebrow raised.

 

"You planned this," Tony said, realisation dawning.

 

"Yep. This is what you wanted, right?" Bruce's expression shifted slightly, some of his usual hesitation tingeing his features.

 

"Yes, and I remember the password," Tony said, intent to chase away the hesitant demeanour. "Now I need to go--

 

"Go where? I don't see you going anywhere any time soon. Not until I'm done."

 

"Bastard," Tony said.

 

"You like it," Bruce returned as he groped Tony's hardening cock through the soft fabric of his trousers.

 

"This isn't fair," Tony said.

 

Bruce merely smiled as his fingers worked Tony's trousers open achingly slowly. The pressure on Tony's bladder diminished slightly in urgency when Bruce wrapped a hand around his cock and stroked his length, but when Bruce sank easily to his knees and replaced his fingers with his tongue, the surprise nearly caused Tony's urethral sphincter to relax. He clenched himself and fruitlessly willed the urge to subside. 

 

When Bruce started sucking Tony in earnest, working his tongue against his shaft while letting his cock deep into his throat, Tony fought for control between the dual aches in his cock and his bladder.

 

"Bruce, please--" Tony said when he felt his control slipping. "Bruce get off!"

 

Bruce released Tony's cock and stood up to help steady him and almost immediately warm piss spurted out as he writhed in Bruce's hands, flowing onto the ground. When the stream of urine finished, Tony's cock was still hard, but he also felt a strange sense of embarrassment as he looked at the puddle on the ground; in his fantasies he had been so focused on the desperation and vulnerability that he hadn't even considered how humiliating this could be.

 

Bruce, however, didn't seem disgusted at all; simply used his hand to stroke Tony's cock, which was now lubricated with saliva until Tony forgot about the embarrassment, thrusting into Bruce's grip, and then went to his knees again to finish the job. Tony groaned as he came almost immediately in Bruce's mouth and slid down the wall until he was sitting with his back against it. Bruce sat down next to him and Tony didn't hesitate to lean on him.

 

"Wow. That. Give... give me a minute and I'll return the favour," Tony said.

 

"That's okay," Bruce said.

 

Tony jolted awake at that: there was something off about his tone. Also there was the fact that Bruce's arousal from earlier had obviously subsided.

 

"You okay?" Tony asked.

 

"Yeah. Well. This probably isn't the right time, but. You told me you had lunch today."

 

"I did!" Tony said. "At least, I think I did..."

 

"You didn't," Bruce told him. "I can smell the increased ammonia and decreased creatanine levels in your urine. The thiamin levels are at about thirty plus or minus three percent of normal, so I'm guessing you haven't actually eaten anything in the last twenty-four hours."

 

"I... Oh. I'm sorry? I thought I did, but it must have been yesterday," Tony frowned.

 

"Sir, I did tell you--" JARVIS tried to interrupt.

 

"Wait a second," Tony said, cutting him off. "You can _smell_ the levels of ammonia, creatadine, and thiamin in urine?!"

 

"Since the accident; the Hulk's heightened senses carried over. But that's not the point--"

 

"No, but if your sense of smell is _that_ sharp, this kink must be torture. What with all the... you know..."

 

Bruce shrugged. "I've dealt with worse smells."

 

Tony thought about the levels of sanitation in some of the places Bruce spent time in voluntarily and realised Bruce's statement was probably true.

 

"Great," Tony sighed. "Sex with me is not _literally_ the worst experience of your life. Ringing endorsement."

 

"You know I didn't mean it like that. Besides, you've been trying my suggestions even when they don't do much for you."

 

"Not when I find them torturous. The bad kind of torturous."

 

"I don't--"

 

"You can smell thiamin levels in urine to within three percent, and this stench is even bothering my non-super-powered nose right now. I think we could all agree that this was awful for you, even if it weren't for the obvious evidence that you lost your arousal at around the time I took a leak."

 

Having made his argument, Tony stood up to clean up the mess. Bruce followed.

 

"I'll clean up," Tony said. "You should go somewhere that doesn't smell like piss and maybe shower and change."

 

Bruce rolled his eyes and continued to help Tony clean.

 

"I don't like it when you're so acquiescent," Tony said, after a few minutes. "It makes it hard to tell what you actually want from what you agree to just because you're used to agreeing."

 

"I know," Bruce said. "I know, and I'm sorry for making you uncomfortable like that. It's just ignoring what I want is a habit so ingrained now that I..." Bruce trailed off.

 

"I get that," Tony said. "Habits and all. I'm glad you're trying. But seriously, this?" he gestured generally in the direction of the mess. "Let's not do this again."

 

Bruce agreed readily.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is a lot angstier than what OP probably wanted. I hope it's okay.


	4. A few bonus sex fails

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm having writer's block, with this fic and writing in general, so have a few kink-fail snippets.

**Condoms**

 

 _When you get the chance you come take a look at something in my lab? Bring condoms,_ Bruce's text said, so Tony was naturally excited as he rushed down to Bruce's lab.

 

When he got to Bruce's lab, however, the latter was leaning towards a computer screen, browsing through data.

 

"There you are! I had this great idea for this economic super-hydrophilic nano-particle coating for condoms to decrease the friction. Can you take a look?"

 

He really should have known his lover better by then.

 

 

 

 

 

**Haskell**

 

Tony smiled at Bruce and bit his lower lip seductively, but a smile tugged at his lip.

 

"What do you want?" Bruce asked.

 

"I want you to tie me up, spank me, and make me watch you write programs in point-free Haskell."

 

Bruce rolled his eyes, went back to his monitor, and continued to debug his beautifully point-free Haskell code.

 

 

 

 

**Mind Meld**

 

Bruce had guessed that Tony would suggest they use their new mind-meld device for sex approximately thirty-four minutes after they invented it.

 

He hadn't given Tony enough credit. He held out for thirty-seven minutes.

 

"I'm not sure it's worth the risk," Bruce said when Tony finally asked.

 

"Oh, come on! We both know it's perfectly safe. I just want to know how it feels to _you_ , you know."

 

"It feels great. You're awesome at sex. You already know that."

 

"But I want to _feel_ it."

 

"But that's not the only thing you'd be feeling, is it?" Bruce reasoned. "You'll feel what I'm feeling, but the connection goes both ways, I'll feel what you're feeling, and you'll feel me, feeling what you're feeling, and so on..."

 

"Yeah, okay, so let's not set b to be 1. As long as b isn't 1, we'll just be feeling 1/(1-b), safely finite."

 

"You know enough science to know that not everything finite is safe."

 

"And we both know enough science to control a damped driven oscillator."

 

"Well, when you put it like that..." Bruce said, knowing he was fighting a losing battle. And to be honest, he _did_ want to know what it was like.

 

Tony suddenly looked stricken. "No, don't 'put it like that' or whatever. I don't want you to be uncomfortable. If you don't want to, we don't do it."

 

"I do," Bruce said, "You know I do. I just want to make sure you've thought through the risks."

 

[Twenty minutes later, at b=0.7]

 

 _This is amazing_ Tony thought telepathically at Bruce. He would have spoken out loud, but his voice could do nothing but moan.

 

_It's no wonder Vulcans--_

 

_Are so unflappable around humans--_

 

_If this is how they feel_

 

_when they're... Let's raise--_

 

_\--Raise b. Yes!_

 

 

[Five minutes later, at b=0.75]

 

_Mmmmmng...._

 

 

[Five minutes later, at b=0.8]

 

DUM-E prodded at the limp shapes of the two humans and pinched them in annoyance. There was a white liquid all over the place. DUM-E hated liquids. They always went all over the place except where they were supposed to go.

 

[Three hours later.]

 

"Good morning, Dr Banner," JARVIS said when Bruce popped open an eye. He was on the floor next to Tony, a blanket draped over them."

 

"What..." Bruce started, before remembering the activities from the previous night. "Oh."

 

Tony groaned. "Let's..."

 

"Not do that again? Yeah."

 

"I don't even need a mind meld with you anyway," Tony smiled.


End file.
